The Pain That Never Goes Away

October 15. Do You know what today is? No its not just a Tuesday or a day in October. October 15 is national pregnancy and infant loss awareness day. Do you know 1 in every 4 women loose a child. I have been pregnant 7 times. I only have 3 children. I am so blessed that I was able to carry those babies and they are all my little miracles in their own ways. 3 out of 4 of my pregnancies were lost early on. Then there is Arizona. My Sweet girl. I didn’t even want to know I what I was going to have and the ultrasound tech let it slip. It’s a girl she said. Grrrrr lady! I don’t WANT to know! But God wanted me to. He was showing me my baby for a reason and he was telling me what she was so that she could have a proper name. I went back to the dr the next day and everything still looked perfect. She looked healthy and growing like a weed. She would be here before we knew it. I got my blood drawn and went home. The next morning oh I wish I would have known then what I knew now. My husband was getting set to deploy to Haiti. They just had a massive earthquake and needed help badly. That’s when hell broke loose for me. I started to spot and get a fever of epic proportions. 103 and rising. I went to sleep. Thinking it was just a small bug and I would get over it soon. I was selfish. I didn’t want to go to the ER when my husband was leaving any minute. I had just had a dr apt and they said the spotting would be normal. If I only knew then what I know now. I was in labor and didn’t even know it. I was having my 15 week baby 35 weeks to soon. She was still kicking in my stomach I figured she was fine. Why didn’t I think something was wrong! If I only knew then what I know now. I lost her and they were loosing me at the hospital. I got released the next day after everything was stabilized. I left the town I didn’t want to go back. But the hospital called me to come back. I had a horrid infection. In the end we found out that the infection was in my blood and because of the infection in my blood I got an infection in my uterus. My baby died because of MY body and MY infection. No fault of her own. But because she died I lived. A few more days and they would have been burying the both of us. As hard as it is to look at her ashes in her urn, I can’t imagine leaving my kids behind. She saved my life.  I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for her. That was the worst night of my life. I miss her every day and it’s a pain that just does not go away. I don’t think it ever will. I have closure due to knowing that she CHOOSE me to be her mother and “live” only a few short weeks. She knew her purpose on this earth and fulfilled it before she was even born. God Took her home to be with him. Sometimes bad things happen for a good reason. Just trust God. Image

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