My mini man

Today my son got sent home from school for an earache. Picking him up for being sick isn’t something new to me. It’s happened a few times over the past 2 years. It’s always been the same thing he cries mommy I don’t want to go home I want to stay at school. Today.  Today was different. They opened the hallway door and lead me to the principals office.  Let me say I’ve never been in her office.  My son is such a good kid.  🙂  sorry had to toot my own horn there for a minute. I was met by the principal, the nurse, and the guidance counselor. I was quite shocked at first since I was only there to pick up my sick child not have a pow woe.  But none the less here I was waiting for someone to tell me what was going on.  Tj, who is almost 7, asked if he could shave his head to be like me. I allowed him to as this was not the first time he would have done so. He told the nurse who he shaved his head and that mommy was sick he just couldn’t remember the name of it.  He did Remember that some people die from it and some don’t.  The nurse being concerned asked how felt about it.  He is scared,  worried,  and sad.  But he doesn’t want to talk to us because we have enough to worry about.  This is why they called this meeting. I felt terrible. I’ve been trying to talk with him and make sure he’s doing alright.  I wish I could have shielded him from this.  Protected him.  I want him to have my godfiedence. We are working on that. Let his word be his strength. On holding on to the promises of the word of Christ. I want him to remember that through God all things are possible. To just keep praying, to give everything up to God,  and he will take care of it all.

If you could take a moment and pray for my mini man. Don’t let this cancer eat away at him.  Let God save him. 

Mind over cancer

I have cancer. I HAVE cancer. It does not have me.  I refuse to be brought down by it or become just a statistic. I will be emotionally strong,  even if I am  physically weak. I will be positive and uplifting not negative and depressed. I just have to believe in myself and God and together we can overcome any obstacle. I decided the first day I was told I had cancer that I was  a fighter and a survivor. I would not  be  a “victim”. I believe in my God. I have hope, I have faith, I even have peace that everything in my life has happened for a reason including  the cancer and losing my daughter. I believe one day soon I’ll go to the doctor and it will just be gone. Everyone says I’m not a worrier or I don’t  worry enough. What am I supposed to do? Sit here upset and worry that the chemo won’t work,  the cancer  will spread, I won’t be  able to afford to continue treatment, or that I’ll die?  No I’m sorry that doesnt work for me. Worrying will never change the outcome. I will fight {positively} like a girl and I WILL win.  “rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be consent in prayer” {Romans 12:12}. Don’t get me wrong I have my moments but I don’t let them last long I have to keep my spirit up. I hate cancer, I hate the chemo, and I hate the laser therapy. On the bright side I trust my God and  I am his number one “fan”.  I have never been more proud to call my husband mine  and I am a huge fan of my friends and family.  Never take anything for granted. Cancer does not define me, but how I live and fight with cancer does. And one thing I know for sure cancer doesn’t stand against this woman!

“you can’t stop the waves but you can learn how to surf”
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If you leap…

If you leap, he will catch you! God is amazing like that! If you trust him, he will fulfill his promises down to the very last word.

I took this leap of faith. I took a chance and said why not, honestly what’s to loose. I signed up for an online bible study called “a confident heart” through proverbs 31 ministries. We are now going into week 4 and honestly I thought I made a mistake. Nothing is changing. But I have kept on. Early last month I turned down a “position” as my sons Cub Scout den leader. What me? I can’t do that. I don’t know what to do, who anyone is, and I’m way to fearful. No way God.
Well I decided this past week to take a leap of faith. I can do this because I have God on my side. What have we always been told “through Christ anything is possible”. Alright God, here I go please don’t let me fail.

I am sitting here writing this blog as we close out our last night camping as a pack. Also my first week as the den leader. I know to some of you this May seem like no big deal but it is to me and it was beyond doubt and fear that I could do this. This weekend has been amazing. For the first time I wasn’t self conscious not even once. I got up and threw my hair in a pony tail, didn’t worry about make up , wasn’t concerned about my weight, not once thought about how I looked or acted, wasn’t scared people wouldn’t like me if I didn’t say or do the right things, I got up in front of a group of 200+ people with our boys to do a skit sing and dance, and cried in front of all these strangers when we retired our flags and sang our national anthem. I was for the first time, since I can remember,myself. And I loved it. I loved meeting all these people. I loved making a bond with some of the other parents. And I loved leading our tigers around today. Tomorrow is a new day full of quick prayer with scouts, worshiping with church, and thanking God for catching me when I took that leap. So how about you? Take a leap of faith, God will catch you and he will do amazing things! I promise and God promises! I can’t believe I am finally finding my confident heart. God is listening and he is ready for your leap of faith!

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How God changed my perspective…

“Please don’t let go of me I need you” “I miss you.” “I want things to go back to normal.” “I miss my best friend” ” But I love you…”
I watched my best friend give me a hug and walk into her house on the night everything changed. (I’m not ready to talk about that yet. But, The Lord is changing my heart to get closer to that every day.) I clung to her emotionally like glue. Not sure what I would do if she became nonexistent in my life. I couldn’t imagine it and I would fight to the death to keep her as wound up in my life as I could. I would not go down without a fight. “God I don’t understand! Why do you want me to feel so alone”

That night started such a change. I didn’t know then but God was doing what he does best. Controlling our lives so we are exactly where we need to be. Never did I think hearing “I’m over it” wouldn’t bother me at all. I always thought hearing those words would shatter my 1000x broken heart even more. But it didn’t. Because in the months between that night and hearing those words God did some incredible things.

“You used to say you had 2 best friends now you don’t talk to either of us” ” God works in mysterious ways” ” I never would have been able to let go without God” “everything happened for a reason”
I heard my perspective change as the words popped out of my mouth. I didn’t type them but they sure made themselves known. God had taken a cry and plea for help and did what he needed to. He went as far as helping open my heart to fully KNOW him and take him into my life. I even got baptized!! Back then I was searching for something. I thought my husband didn’t give it to me, I thought I needed the emotional connection with my best friend, and I was still longing. He fixed everything I was supposed to have and let the rest slip out of my life to help make ways for bigger and better things to arrive. He changed my perspective on life. I no longer need to look to others to fill the longings of my heart. He was healing in the pain and shelter into storm. He restored my soul. “Amazing grace how sweet the sound! It covers every part of me. My soul is silent I am found!”

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Unfailing Love

Unfailing Love

Unfailing Love
But could it be true
You’ll love me always
No matter what I may do?

You’ll love me when
I doubt you
You’ll love me when
I fear
You’ll love me when
I’m in the darkness
Questioning if you’re near?

When my sins take over
Or I forget to pray
I slip and don’t mention
God thank you for this amazing day

You’ll always give me strength
To make it through my hard disease days
You’ll be eyes
When mine finally fail away
You’ll dry my tears
As I cry for the first couple of days
You’ll be my rock
And Love me through every single day

Through all my past
You have held me near
You never loved me less
Even though that’s what I feared.

Deep inside my heart
I thank my God Above
For no matter what I do
I have his unfailing love

Maria Savage 

 

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#PerfectLove

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Have you really ever stepped back and just FELT God’s love? It is a #perfectlove isn’t it? Sometimes I feel SO unworthy of the love that he has to give us. The beautiful sky that look like he took ages to paint, the gorgeous flowers that bloom where no one planted them, and my children playing on their swing set.

I have started this journey in a bible study, ONLINE! (how great is that??) We are reading A Confident heart by Renee Swope. Oh man how I love hearing her on K-love every day when I am driving. She is just so encouraging to me. It’s like when I really need it the most she says something that just speaks right to me. (God, I know that was you! )

There was a time in my life, about 9 years ago, when I had no confidence. I doubted every move I made and I feared failure so bad it would keep me from just playing games. I didn’t go to church. I wasn’t involved in my faith, but it was there! I knew there was a God but I doubted he could love me. I was so depressed I was harming myself. I was only a freshman in high school but I honestly had no idea how life could get any better for me. Then I went on a trip with school. That’s where God took over. He sent me this amazing guy. Sitting there at the hotel he just came right up to me sat down and said ” Hi I’m Britton and we are going to talk.” I was taken back but I talked. This boy saved my life and made me see I what I was meant to be more than just a beautiful mess. I married this boy. He saved my life and he is my #perfectlove. God knew just what he was doing and I have seen him work his #perfectlove in my life so many times.

How has God shown you his #perfectlove? Do you have another #perfectlove that God sent you?

 

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The Pain That Never Goes Away

October 15. Do You know what today is? No its not just a Tuesday or a day in October. October 15 is national pregnancy and infant loss awareness day. Do you know 1 in every 4 women loose a child. I have been pregnant 7 times. I only have 3 children. I am so blessed that I was able to carry those babies and they are all my little miracles in their own ways. 3 out of 4 of my pregnancies were lost early on. Then there is Arizona. My Sweet girl. I didn’t even want to know I what I was going to have and the ultrasound tech let it slip. It’s a girl she said. Grrrrr lady! I don’t WANT to know! But God wanted me to. He was showing me my baby for a reason and he was telling me what she was so that she could have a proper name. I went back to the dr the next day and everything still looked perfect. She looked healthy and growing like a weed. She would be here before we knew it. I got my blood drawn and went home. The next morning oh I wish I would have known then what I knew now. My husband was getting set to deploy to Haiti. They just had a massive earthquake and needed help badly. That’s when hell broke loose for me. I started to spot and get a fever of epic proportions. 103 and rising. I went to sleep. Thinking it was just a small bug and I would get over it soon. I was selfish. I didn’t want to go to the ER when my husband was leaving any minute. I had just had a dr apt and they said the spotting would be normal. If I only knew then what I know now. I was in labor and didn’t even know it. I was having my 15 week baby 35 weeks to soon. She was still kicking in my stomach I figured she was fine. Why didn’t I think something was wrong! If I only knew then what I know now. I lost her and they were loosing me at the hospital. I got released the next day after everything was stabilized. I left the town I didn’t want to go back. But the hospital called me to come back. I had a horrid infection. In the end we found out that the infection was in my blood and because of the infection in my blood I got an infection in my uterus. My baby died because of MY body and MY infection. No fault of her own. But because she died I lived. A few more days and they would have been burying the both of us. As hard as it is to look at her ashes in her urn, I can’t imagine leaving my kids behind. She saved my life.  I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for her. That was the worst night of my life. I miss her every day and it’s a pain that just does not go away. I don’t think it ever will. I have closure due to knowing that she CHOOSE me to be her mother and “live” only a few short weeks. She knew her purpose on this earth and fulfilled it before she was even born. God Took her home to be with him. Sometimes bad things happen for a good reason. Just trust God. Image

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